Dear Father,

This is possibly the thousandth draft of an imaginary goodbye letter I'm writing you.
Maybe I'm being over dramatic and maybe it's the fumes from my freshly painted walls, but
Please understand why I'm cutting ties when I leave. It's not (only) that you were never present enough in my childhood -notice how you never encouraged me to take up any activities, to discover a passion, to get out of the house and discover things with you- , but also because, instead of opening up to me, being an understanding dad in front of whom I would never cower to ask for help to, you shut me up behind a wall of taboos and closed dialogue. Because you were never there to help me cope with my anxiety problems ; because you never said 'i love you' or showed any form of affection after i turned eleven ; because you never took my beliefs seriously or took the time to listen to what I have to say and show your support ; because we share nothing more than a last name in common ; all of this leads up to what I was crafted into today.
So it's no use screaming at me every time I close all the doors downstairs because of my OCD (which I've been trying to cope with for the last three years and which you think is a joke), or acting all exasperated and disappointed 'once again' because your darling daughter can't stand spending over thirty minutes in the same room as you and has to go back to her room for fear that she'll go mad and slap you because she can't stand your hurtful little jokes that show you take nothing she says into consideration.
I'm through. Maybe you gave us financial support. But the moral wasn't there, and it's reflected in my everyday life. In the way I work in school, in the way I treat my friends and boyfriend, in the way I do stupid things and waste my life away, in the way I talk, in the way I look, in the way I go out of my way just to make sure I won't turn into you.
I'm sorry. It's hard to realize that you've made me who I am in a negative way.
I don't remember the last time we touched.

my room right now smells of :
sex dirt salty tears and the citrus perfume i've splurged my sheets with to cover it all.
i'm kind of loving it.
*

ally's suicide note=

another freaking heart attack. i wanna go back to obsessing over music & books with you. how long has it been? three years? i remember being a boardie, the p33n jokes, ciwwaf, sid & ricky, cyanide&happiness,etc etc. we were both fucked up kids, but we were fucked up together, and that's what counted the most..ally, you mean so much to me. SO much to me. please, let's get back to obsessing. It's what kept us holding on, just a little bit longer, remember? i love you, i always will. thank god i had felix there with me, catching my tears in his chest. fucking idiot is not good at consoling. but hes the best thing i have. i love him so so much ally, i feel so fucking vulnerable. please stay. they're just barbiturated decisions.
dont go.

i feel like i just fell back into the same shithole i had such a hard time getting out of, two years ago. and i went to french class and i started crying. and i read pete's blog again and i started crying.
'its funny how people get nostalgic for the worst times in your life. people sometimes seem to miss the person i was when i was just in a self hating haze or fantasize that i miss or should miss someone who made me feel as worthwhile as a pile of dirt and spent their entire life decieving me.'
cause its so fucking true its not even funny. god knows how many times i pictured you wandering out in the streets of Chicago at night or getting back for the umpteenth time with jeanae.
and i just worry cause i feel that he deserves better, and anyway he doesnt seem as crazy about me as i am about him..maybe i was just trying to convince myself this was perfect all along. no matter how hard i dont want this to end, maybe its just meant to.

oh i swear i'll be ashamed of this some day

"The rest is history.
They both had sex for the first time. It was awkward and painful and exciting and fun, and so sweet they forgot to be embarrassed. It was exactly the way you'd want your first time to be, and they had no regrets. Afterwards, they turned on the television, which was tuned to the History Channel, a documentary about the Red Sea. Serena and Nate lay in bed, holding each other and looking up at the clouds through the skylight overhead, while they listened to the narrator of the program talk about Moses parting the Red Sea. [...]
And he did leave her, for a little while. He fot up and ordered a huge feast of Chinese food and bad white wine, and they lay in bed and ate and drank, and he parted her Red Sea once again before the sky grew dark and the stars twinkled in the skylight."

God I'm gonna hate myself for quoting Gossip Girl.

i miss writing SO bad.
you know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words?
well to me a thousand pictures are worth three little words. iloveyou